he only wanted jelly

he was drinking a jug of milk and asked for jelly.
i said no, no, i hardly have money (he didn't ask for money!) for myself (not entirely true)
he asked for jelly to make a sandwich
no no no i can't
how about a dollar, he asked,
and i kept walking and ignored him.

i avert *my* eyes and look down
when i see a homeless person
because it hurts me not to give
and because i'm not sure what my money
the money i work for,
usually,
will be used for
but mostly because of the guilt.

i ate my lunch
my $12 chicago lunch
and was full
and started to feel empty
because i *could have* spared a dollar
or some jelly
it wouldn't have been hard
it wouldn't have hurt me
or my wallet.

i bought him jelly and peanut butter and whole-grain bread
and felt better, ready to deliver.

but he was gone.

i looked and looked, and circled the block, checked the places he may have went.
he's gone.

and i feel much worse than i would've
had i given him the jelly he wanted.

a lesson learned
i hope.